On the advice of my friend Jacqui, who met her significant other on Match over 4 years ago (the second guy she met online), I rejoined the site a month ago. I did this after swearing about this same time last year that I would never do online dating again. I’m not much of dater and never really have been, even before the advent of online dating. I know several people who have met their significant others online, so I persevere! Even though for whatever reason I can barely squeak out a date from Match or any of the online sites or apps. The guys I like don’t like me and the ones that like me I’m fairly certain are serial killers.
I suspect it’s because I’ve made fun of the tomfoolery and shenanigans on Match since the first time I joined in 2003. Men with potbellies and man boobs posed on the beach in banana hammocks. Men clearly 20 years older than the photos posted to their page. Men who posted their entire life story on their profile page. I inundated my friends with emails and texts making fun of only the ridiculously egregious guys who were begging for it. I know, I know that’s kind of mean and maybe slightly disingenuous, but if I don’t laugh about it, my next step might be to join a convent for middle-aged born again virgins.
Since I’ve rejoined Match, I haven’t had any dates, but I’ve had some conversations with a few guys that said some pretty funny things, though clearly not intentionally. Though I would never show their photos (that would be mean), I will reveal my favorite three. BTW – all of these men are over the age of 50 and should know better.
#1 This gentleman said this about four times over two conversations that we had.
“I’m a Metro-Geek. A techie and a foodie that likes to get manicures/pedicures and go to the gym. I even like to wear pink. I’m secure in my masculinity, so I don’t care if someone thinks I’m gay.” He also told me the exact same stories verbatim on each call.
#2 When I ask this gentleman what was the favorite place that he’s traveled (sidebar – I fully expected him to say the “usual” answer for black men either Miami or Jamaica/side-side-bar to be fair I barely talk to men or date so this a smallish pool), he said, “I haven’t been on a plane in 30 years. I had some bad turbulence once and I just couldn’t see myself getting on plane, again. Heck, I lived in Newark and didn’t go back into Manhattan until 2004 after 9/11.” What’s even more hilarious, is that he must have sensed my astonishment, (which I did my damnedest not to show), because he then called and texted me at least twice to say the reason he hadn’t traveled much, was that he was busy raising kids during that period. Mind you his kids are in their late twenties at this point.
#3 And, my all-time favorite is the guy who told me the story about how he went out with a woman he met online, who insisted they meet at her house for the first date. He claimed she seemed “normal” – which I have come to find out from a couple of guy friends means that she must have been hot – to get him to agree come to her house on the first date. He did in fact, confirm later on our call that she was in fact “gorgeous”. When he arrived at her house, she invited him in and confessed that the reason she wanted to do the date at her house was because she was on house arrest for the next two years. Then she promptly showed him her ankle bracelet. I kid you not. She apparently caught her boyfriend cheating for the umpteenth time, blacked out, and when she came to, the girl she caught him with was so bloody and beat up, she had to be rushed to the hospital. Wait for it……yes he stayed on the date after she revealed all of this information. Clearly hoping to hook up. #SMH
I hope you are were as entertained by these stories as I was. And, yes, that convent is looking better and better.